My Mother died August 29, 2019.. i was with her but i was sleeping on the couch next to her hospital bed in the living room..
her back was turned to me because when we changed her brief(diaper), we needed to roll her to one side to get her off her back.. she had bed sores that were healing and the hardware in her back wouldn’t allow her to comfortably sleep.. toward her last days, i was giving her a combo cocktail of morphine and lorazapam for the pain in her back because she was lying down..
her back was turned to me and she didn’t see me.. i was asleep when she breathed her last breath and i still feel bad that i wasn’t awake holding her hand to let her know that she wasn’t alone.. the counselors tell me that she did know that i was there, because i was awakened from my sleep..
Mom had a happy smile on her face when she died.. everyone has their theories that she had met someone at that instant of death, someone she knew and loved, that took her away to the other side.. i would like to think that she did..
my little sister Liz, came out from Florida, to try and see her before Mom passed, but Mom just couldn’t hold on.. Liz and her kids, Dad and Jeff(family friend), walked in to see Mom fully dressed and laid out on her back.. the hospice nurse on call cleaned her up and dressed her.. Liz screamed so loud in heartbreak and she fell beside the bed, crying so much.. Dad kept trying to wake Mom, not believing that she was gone.. my eyes were constantly filled with tears watching my family mourn.. i had done an absolute freak out before anyone came over..
i had only enough control to call the after hours hospice nurse to come to the house because Mom wasn’t responding to me… and then i was an out-of-control mess calling my other sister to come over to the house to help me.. i couldn’t speak, i screamed, i cried, i fell to the floor trying to dry heave my disbelief, sadness and pain of Mom passing.. by the time the nurse arrived, i was a bit calmer but still a raw nerve..
writing this is bringing the tears to my eyes again.. reliving the horror of that night, tears me up..
Mom was buried on Friday morning, we went to the cemetery to put flowers on her grave.. it was a sad moment, knowing that she was below our feet.. i, of course, had to make a zombie joke, to try to lighten the mood.. it kind of worked..
i had the bereavement counselor come out to talk to the whole family, the day after Mom passed.. only me and Dad talked to her.. i was amazed that Dad opened up as much as he did.. and then he said he had said enough.. he had talked for almost an hour.. i thought it was a good start..
i’m worried about Dad, he seems to not know what to do with his free time because we’ve spent the last 11 years caring for Mom.. and now, he doesn’t have to anymore.. he says that he hears noises at night and he gets up to look for her then realizes that she’s not there.. but she is haunting the place though.. we’ve all witnessed strange happenings right after she died.. before her body was taken away by the funeral home, footsteps were heard in the kitchen when nobody was in there…
i’m now in the process of going through her things, to get rid of them.. and it’s very hard to do so.. i was at it for a few hours today but it was just too sad.. knowing that Mom is gone and these things used to be hers.. it’s gonna be a huge project to do..
for the first week after she died, i felt a crushed feeling inside my chest.. the feeling has been going away a little at a time.. but i still feel a deep sadness in my chest.. especially when dealing with all the final arrangements for Mom.. the last was her obituary.. the funeral home gave us a packet to fill out the day after they took her away.. and by filling it out, gives them what to use for the obituary.. so we didn’t have to write out one ourselves.. it’s pretty neat.. me, Dad and Liz took the time to fill it out and i dropped it off at the funeral home.. we were also told that if we wanted to have items put in her casket, then to bring them too.. Dad opted to not have any services, no viewing, no embalming.. he isn’t comfortable with a gathering of people.. we all had our time with her, the night she died.. we waited for about 3 1/2 hours before the funeral home came to get her.. they came after 3:30am.. so we sat with her until then, telling stories about Mom and her quirks and antics and then in the morning, Dad pulled out old photos and everyone was remembering the fun times with Mom..
it’s not been easy to go on, after a parent has died.. i mainly wanted as many family members as possible to be with Dad.. he needed the support and comfort more than me.. Liz and her kids were here for 10 days.. and that seemed to brighten his mood and gave him something to do, going out for meals, buying groceries for them and always going out to the beach to swim.. it was good to see him happy to have kids in the house again..
i’m lucky that i’m 48 when my Mom passed away.. she was only 68.. dementia is such a bitch that it kills people still too young to go.. at least i got to be around her after i was grown..
now i have to concentrate on Dad.. to make sure that he doesn’t give up.. i can’t take it right now if something happens to him.. that would be just a horrible kick in the nuts.. again..
NO! not anytime soon.. dammit..